Why receiving feedback well is a leadership superpower

Oct 27

When most of us think about feedback, we focus on giving it well: how to be clear, timely, and generous with developmental insight. But what most leaders never learn is the art of receiving feedback well—a discipline that Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen make compellingly urgent in Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.

That shift—from seeing feedback as something done to you, to something you engage with—can transform not only how you grow as a leader, but how your team learns, adapts, and evolves alongside you.

Why Feedback Feels Dangerous (And Why That’s Exactly Why It Matters)

If feedback were always a pleasant exchange, we’d seek it out. Instead, it often triggers us—emotionally, mentally, defensively. Stone and Heen name a few truths many of us already sense:

We feel attacked, especially when the delivery is blunt or vague.
We feel judged, particularly when feedback feels evaluative rather than developmental.
We feel misunderstood, when the giver and receiver are misaligned in intent, tone, or context.

Those reactions are normal. But what if instead of trying to avoid or deflect feedback, we learned to step back, observe the reaction, and choose how to respond? That’s the shift Stone and Heen invite us into.

In leadership, our blind spots multiply—especially as we rise. Closing them depends less on who gives feedback than on how well we receive it.

The Three Faces of Feedback

One of the most practical frameworks in the book is the distinction between appreciation, coaching, and evaluation. Each has its own logic, purpose, and emotional weight:

Trouble often emerges when giver and receiver are misaligned. Maybe you’re hoping for coaching, but get evaluation. Or you’re offering appreciation but the receiver interprets it as flattery—or worse, as evaluation in disguise.

Naming the type of feedback helps both parties orient. As a leader, you can help set the frame: “Is this a coaching suggestion or an evaluation of our standard?” That clarity reduces defensive noise and invites better exchange.

The Triggers That Make Us Shut Down

Stone and Heen identify three common feedback “triggers”—and they’re worth internalizing because they explain so many failed conversations.

Truth triggers – The content feels incorrect, unfair, or incomplete.
What can help: Ask questions to understand the giver’s perception. Don’t reject the feedback outright—explore it.
Relationship triggers – Something about who is giving feedback or your history with them gets in the way.
What can help: Pause and separate the person (and your emotion about them) from the message. You can reframe the relationship to focus on growth.
Identity triggers – The feedback feels like a threat to who you believe you are (e.g. “I’m a good communicator,” “I’m a strategic thinker”).
What can help: Remind yourself feedback is not verdict; it’s data. You can integrate parts and discard parts.

Recognizing these triggers gives you a space to interrupt reaction. Instead of snapping, you can ask: What is triggering me here? What is the deeper insight?

Four Practices That Turn You Into a Better Feedback Receiver

Reading Thanks for the Feedback is great, but the book is powerful because it offers practices—habits you can build. Here are four to lean into:

1. Ask better questions

When someone gives feedback, especially one that stings or surprises, your first impulse might be defense or self-justification. Pause. Instead, ask:

“Can you help me understand what you see?”
“What would it look like if I shifted in that direction?”
“What data or examples led you to conclude that?”

These questions shift you from passive to active. You become a co‑inquirer rather than a defenseless receiver.

2. Separate message from delivery

Poor delivery (tone, timing, bluntness) often taints good insight. Learn to hold both pieces:

What useful nugget is in the message?
What in the delivery is triggering defensiveness?

You don’t have to ignore tone—but you can separate the signal from noise.

3. Do a “self‑check pause”

Before responding or rejecting, pause. Ask:

What’s my reaction (anger, shame, dismissal)?
Why might I be reacting this way?
What’s the portion I agree with, even slightly?

That pause is regenerative. It creates space to move from reactive to reflective.

4. Experiment with small changes

Feedback is rarely binary (all good or all bad). Test mini‑shifts:

Try one suggestion for a week.
Ask a trusted peer to give midpoint feedback.
Chronicle your results and ask: “What am I learning? What needs adjusting?”

These experiments reinforce humility and incremental growth.

What This Shifts in You—and in Your Team

When you commit to receiving feedback well, three shifts happen:

You model vulnerability and coachability. No leader is above critique. When your team sees you internalizing feedback, it sets a tone: growth is safe here.
Feedback becomes a shared practice. It stops being a dreaded event and becomes a normal exchange. That accelerates learning cycles.
You access deeper insight. Some of your biggest breakthroughs will come from feedback you initially rejected—or didn’t see. Opening up to receive lets that insight in.

Reflection: Cultivating a Growth Mindset Around Feedback

I’ve come to believe that one of leadership’s most underdeveloped muscles is receiving well. It’s not about letting everything in blindly, nor is it about defensive rejection. It’s about discernment, curiosity, self-awareness, and humility.

If you’re reading Thanks for the Feedback, pause before you assume, “This doesn’t apply to me.” Chances are, there’s at least one relationship or one dimension where your defensiveness is still running the show. Let that be your experiment.

Here’s a small challenge I offer leaders:

In your next one-on-one, before you respond to feedback, pause and name: “I’m noticing a trigger here. Let me ask a question to understand better.”
Track one piece of feedback (of any type) you receive this week. Journal your reaction, your internal signals, and one small shift you’ll test.

If there’s one theme I’d leave you with, it’s this: the moment we stop defending is the moment we start learning. And in that space, leadership evolves—not by virtue of more power or authority—but by deeper openness, iteration, and impact.

Jason Schreuder